Top Chef Recap: Stunt Queens

This week, I’m sending my thoughts and prayers to everyone at their limits with the show’s sponsored gambits because we’ve officially hit this season’s (so far) biggest doozy: the dreaded tie-in to a blockbuster movie that pushes producers to the limits of challenge decency. Where Top Chef: Houston once mandated dinosaur-themed tasting menus and All Stars 2 whipped up monochrome Quickfires in honor of Trollz: World Tour, we now have Top Chef: Destination Canada asking its chefs to pull off a “stunt” (uncharitable read: “gimmick”) à la Ethan Hunt for the forthcoming Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning.

Honestly, there’s no point in complaining about how many sponsorships and branded challenges there are on Top Chef, which has embraced its generous corporate overlords since the very beginning. The key thing to know about that, though? It kinda has to. Without money coming in from the likes of Chipotle, tourism boards, and those wily Trollz, Top Chef simply wouldn’t be able to sustain itself for as long as it has. It is what it is! The best we can do is politely ignore the many close-ups on Saratoga Springs water bottles and hope that the sponsored challenges keep things classy.

On that score, this week’s Mission Impossible theme is … fine. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how broadly our chefs could interpret the word “stunt,” anyway. There have definitely been much narrower and/or sillier themed challenges over the years (hi, “chaos cooking”), so I’m not about to get too mad at one that challenges the cheftestants to toe the line between a flat gimmick and an impressive feat of cookery.

Of course, this being Top Chef, there’s still another catch. To gain two possible advantages, Kristen challenges the cast to both walk around the perimeter of Toronto’s CN Tower (which would secure an extra $75) and do Titanic “king of the world”–style leans over the edge (which would add 30 minutes to their overall cook time). Like Massimo, I’m extremely terrified of heights — sorry, “uncomfortable.” As such, I know that no amount of bungee cords and ironclad reassurances about my safety would’ve stopped me from being an absolute fuckin’ baby the entire time. Everyone makes it to the top of the tower, but Lana and an unusually subdued Massimo decline the leans, thus leaving them with 30 minutes less than everyone else to pull off their stunts.

Everyone’s understanding of what a “stunt” is ranges wildly, and not always to the liking of Final Reckoning star Greg Tarzan Davis. If he was expecting smoke and sparklers, he’s about 16 seasons late to the Vegas season. (Also, Tom Cruise couldn’t even send a Cameo message? Rude.)

Bailey and Lana go for optical illusions. Lana’s happy with her fried-fish “mosaic,” but the judges are put off by the textures. Bailey makes a savory lasagna whose hulking slices do indeed look more like a dessert. Does it look like tiramisu, as she claims? No, not really. But it’s apparently still confusing and tasty enough to earn the judges’ respect, which is enough for Bailey to secure a top spot.

César, Tristen, and Vinny tackle this challenge from Tarzan’s preferred bells-and-whistles angle to varying degrees of success. César tries another bizarre flavor combo with a sweet salmon mousse, but he can’t recapture the magic of his pickle curd and the whole dish mostly just ends up confusing (and a little burnt?). Meanwhile, Tristen’s now cooking under the added pressure of making the competition worthwhile after his father’s sudden death, which you’d think would be crushing, but the man can’t seem to lose. Even his half-hearted Mission: Impossible tie-in of injecting his chicken wings with a liver mousse “virus” — a word I was begging him to stop using from the second he first tried it — can’t put the judges off his big flavors.

Vinny, bless him, quickly loses himself in the details. He creates “laser” breadsticks for diners to break through (sure) in order to find a hand-carved veggie key (cute!) and enjoy the chilled tartare underneath (… or not). Guest judge Buddha Lo — two-time Top Chef winner and finicky food enthusiast — loves the concept. Unfortunately, Vinny putting the bowls on dried ice to invoke a smoke effect also ends up freezing every dish into solid blocks of beef ice. It’s so gross that not even Kristen, Queen of Junk Food, can indulge it.

For all this episode’s attempts at high-octane tomfoolery, I found myself most impressed by the simplicity of Shuai and Massimo’s approaches. Both decide to eschew Wylie Dufresne–style wackiness to pull off dishes that shouldn’t work. Shuai, for example, delights himself with the idea of an elevated turducken, which is just good enough to keep him safe.

Massimo, however, does something kind of brilliant. Knowing that complicating a whole new dish could end in disaster, he instead decides to show off his technical skills by making a trout en croûte in just two hours.

Reader, I yelped. Nine times out of ten, rapidly accelerating a tricky dish’s preparation in order to fit the time constraint is a terrible idea that ends in a chef’s swift elimination. And yet, against all odds and reason … Massimo pulls it off.

Even if it’s not the most obviously exciting dish, every chef at that judges’ table knows exactly how impressive it is that he found a way to make a dish that by all rights should never be rushed. By incorporating his reduced cooking time into the idea of what his “stunt” should be, Massimo cleverly turns the challenge inside out. For the first time this season, he wins the Elimination Challenge without a single asterisk. He’s obviously thrilled, as he should be.

You might’ve noticed that I haven’t mentioned the Quickfire yet, so what gives? Well, with immunity now off the table, it appears as though this season is once again letting Gail and Tom in on the Quickfire round in order to consider the chefs’ performances overall before deciding who goes home.

It makes some sense to have the full trio of permanent judges in the Quickfire Kitchen — once unequivocally Padma’s domain — so they can have a more complete vision of what each chef can do when deciding their ultimate fates. My problem with it in Top Chef: Wisconsin was more with the fact that either the judges or the editing (or both!) didn’t give the viewers enough explanation for just how much they were weighing Quickfire performances against Elimination Challenges, how bad a losing dish had to be to cancel out a winning one, and so on. Just let me know exactly why you’re making a call, and I’ll be far less likely to question it!

This week, at least, it makes sense. Lana’s fried-ish fish flopped, but she also won the Quickfire outright by transforming Prince Edward Island mussels into a delicious bite inspired by an Italian sub. So she’s safe. Vinny’s frozen tartare is a disaster, and I’m not convinced that simply being on top in the Quickfire — as he was for his clever take on larb — would’ve necessarily been enough to save him on a stronger week.

Fortunately for Vinny, but very unfortunately for César, the delightfully improvisational style we’ve grown to love from César backfired this week. He messed up both challenges pretty badly, and he knows it. So when Kristen tells him to pack his knives and go, he does so with a smile and a vow to do his best in Last Chance Kitchen, where knockout champ Katianna awaits.

• So about LCK … if you don’t routinely watch, it turns out that this is the week to do it. SPOILER WARNING in case you haven’t (seriously, turn back now) (Okay, are we all on the same page now?) (Great, onward): César only went ahead and won it! Who woulda thought? With no offense meant to that lovely man … not me! Katianna had roundly defeated everyone, but the fatigue of having to essentially do seven Quickfires in a row finally caught up to her. I’m happy for César that he’s getting a do-over, but genuinely sad for Katianna, who’d been making such an excellent case for her return until an underseasoned soup spelled her doom.

• Kristen Kish Suit Envy Watch: I think this blue-and-silver pinstriped set might be the first episode’s red-and-gold suit in a different colorway, which I love and shall selfishly grant a 9/10.

• Is Massimo the only one left in the competition who has kids …? Can’t blame him for declining the lean x2, then.

• Dude’s a dork (I say fondly), but Vinny’s deadpan “thanks” made me laugh so hard.

• Massimo admitting that he thought his zucchini flower-blossom mussels would be unique until he saw Tristen doing it, prompting Tristen to wink before besting him?? Hot! I don’t make the rules!

• Next week: Montreal, allegedly. This season really has been Top Chef: Toronto more than Canada as a whole, so I hope they’re branching out. But if it is Montreal, Massimo’s gonna spin out, so … bonne chance, chefs!